Emotionally, a miscarriage can bring up a feelings of anger, fear, guilt, sadness, and worry. It may also, among others, bring a feeling of shame, disbelief, failure, inadequacy, lowered self-esteem and even make you question your femininity. All of these feelings are a very normal way of responding to loss. However, they can cause you a great amount of psychological stress when left unchecked.
Managing this stress is an important part of your full recovery and healing the wounds of a miscarriage. Please note that the physical state of your body; the hormonal imbalance and physical damage from the loss may slow down your psychological healing. Be gentle with the process and give yourself time. Unlike your body, which may heal on a timeline, your emotions heal at their own pace.
What to Expect When Healing the Wounds of a Miscarriage
Unfortunately, talking about miscarriage and the ensuing grief has, for a long time, been perceived as a taboo in many Kenyan cultures. This alienates a woman as they internalize that their grief isn’t deserved, which further delays the healing process.
Below, we unpack both the positive and negative things you can expect from yourself and other people after a miscarriage and the healing process most women go through.
1. Allow yourself time to grieve but don’t be surprised if you don’t feel emotional at all
Feel your emotions completely as they come, cry if that’s what your emotions want, scream if you want to, be in silence, be in bed all day, get away from it all, indulge, and most importantly listen to your emotions and “obey” them.
2. Have realistic expectations for yourself and your partner
You are both suffering a loss, so allow each other time to come to terms with the loss. While you may desperately want him to feel your pain and support you, please note that being the mother of the child, being the one who had the most intimate relationship with the baby means the loss will have the greatest effects on you and only you are fully aware of its impact.
3. Trying to get conceive immediately after your loss will not eliminate the loss or make up for it
Trying to conceive immediately after a miscarriage not alleviate the emotional pains of your loss. If you’re still grieving the loss of one, conceiving again might interfere with the development of the new child as well as the bonding between the two of you. Only time and truly feeling and obeying your emotions will help. Plus it’s medically advised to give time for your uterus to heal.
If you have other children they may be a source of comfort or ease your pain while keeping you busy by minimizing the amount of time you spend thinking about your loss.
You might also find them as a trigger, especially if they are younger. They may also be a source of distress in that they may continue asking about their expected sister or brother. Keeping in mind that children are well aware of what is going on around them, they may sense your change in emotions and act out causing you to feel more overwhelmed.
Related: Myth Buster: Waiting After Miscarriage Before Trying Again
4. People may not know what to say
In the efforts to support you, some conversations may overwhelm you with talk of your loss. Others may be fully avoidant of the topic as they fear that it might bring you more sadness or they simply do not know what to say. It’s okay to let those around you know what you want. It will help filter out conversations that are uncomfortable for you to have.
You can also expect misguided comments such as “at least you have other children”, “It was God’s plan”, or “you’ll get pregnant again in no time.” While most of these comments are not ill-intended, they are triggering, especially if the loss is recent and you’re still actively healing the wounds of miscarriage.
Avoid insensitive people until you have a certain degree of strength to handle such comments. Picking a close family member or friend to share the news with others can be helpful as it can protect you from sensitive comments.
5. You will lose and build relationships
You will be disappointed by the lack of support from friends and family that you expect to be there for you. You will also be surprised to find others more supportive than you’d expect them to be. Or even get support from people whom you had no prior relations with.
If you had already started building your support village in pregnancy, it’s also possible that you’ll not feel as supported by all of them as you’d expect. Take the support you’re getting and prioritize your healing over mourning the loss of relationships.
6. You will experience triggering moments
It is normal to feel triggered. Times and dates around the anniversary of the miscarriage and of the expected birth date of your lost child may cause you to feel similar to those of your loss. In the beginning, they may include the particular day of the week the loss occurred, then the date of each month.
During such difficult times, the anticipation of the date may be more distressing than the date itself. Seeing pregnant women or babies, advertisements of baby products, going for a doctor’s visit, and seeing items that you may have already bought for the baby are also some factors that can be triggering.
In addition to seeking professional counselling, creating a way to honour your pregnancy and your baby through an event can be a relieving way of acknowledging the loss as part of your life and of helping you heal emotionally.
Finding and talking to moms who have also gone through a miscarriage can help you heal and give you a support system for the future. Praying, positive self-talk, and keeping a journal can also give you an anchoring point for healing the wounds of a miscarriage.
7. Finally, you will reach a point of moving on.
Don’t be guilty about it. Wanting to conceive again, having more good days than bad ones, returning to work, healing physically, or even sometimes forgetting about the miscarriage does not invalidate your loss. Your pregnancy, your baby and your loss will always be with you. However, you deserve wellness, happiness and a future.
Go on, get back to being awesome!
The Clinical Stages of Grief You Might Experience After a Miscarriage
- Denial: This is often the first stage and for most women, it occurs as a means of coping with the loss.
- Anger: You might feel angry towards yourself, your partner, those you feel are minimizing your loss or even towards God.
- Bargaining: At this stage, you’re trying to negotiate with reality through many “what ifs” and “if only” questions and thoughts.
- Depression: This occurs when you come to terms with the present and realize the depth of your loss. At this stage, you might experience constant sadness, extreme loss of interest in life, guilt, low energy, and a need to isolate yourself. While depression is a stage of grief, some moms do get stuck at this stage for a long time. If you experience these symptoms consistently for two weeks or more please seek professional help for the treatment of depression.
- Acceptance of the loss and adapting to the new permanent reality. This doesn’t mean that you are now okay with the loss. No one is ever okay with a miscarriage and no one ever forgets it. It just means that you have acknowledged what was will never be and that it was not in your power to control the situation and neither can you change it. Your feelings of guilt, worthlessness, emptiness, and shame begin to wash away and you shift your energy towards making new connections or even trying to conceive again.
Professional Support for Healing the Wounds of a Miscarriage
The loss of a miscarriage is profound. You’re grieving losing your baby as well as the entire future and life you had foreseen for you and your family. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and unable to support yourself through the healing. On such days, your support village will come in handy, including a therapist who has experience helping women who have experienced a miscarriage. You’re not weak for needing professional support. It’s one of the main ways to heal the wounds and navigate this pain.
And when you’re ready to try again, our preconception care team will be here for you with professional medical advice tailored to your situation and needs.